To stand in your arms without falling to your feet.

It's been over a week since my grandma passed away. It's still surreal...still too fresh. Last Tuesday, I stayed late at the salon because Danielle needed to get her hair cut. Afterwards, we had planned on grabbing some dinner somewhere in Rocky Mount, but we decided to head straight to WakeMed and eat somewhere in Raleigh after we visited. We walk into grandma's room and my mom, dad, and Chris are there. No one says anything when we walk in, so I go straight to grandma and tell her hi. My mom looks up and says, "This is it." I stare in disbelief as she takes two more haggard breaths, then her face relaxes and she's gone. It was so quick...I was unprepared. Chris breaks down in tears...my mom quietly goes into the connecting bathroom. I cry silently and stunned while first Ricky, then Danielle, hugs me. My mom comes back and rings for a nurse. We call the family, who are all in Nashville. I tell Danielle that we'll walk her to her car...we will have to reschedule. As we're walking back through the hospital we meet Adam, who begins to cry. We say goodbye to Danny, then I ask Ricky to sit with me on a bench outside. I cry for a bit, his arms wrapped around me. We finally go back inside and wait for the rest of the family to get there. Seeing my grandpa cry was terrible, but they were tears of relief, I think. The past couple of months have been incredibly hard on him. This is all I can write for now...

To let my hands do what they want.

So things with my grandmomma haven't changed much. Just went to WakeMed and visited...they're excavating her tomorrow. She was moving her hands around a LOT more than she has been on previous visits...at one point, she even lifted her head off her pillow. Pretty optimistic stuff. I won't be there tomorrow at 4:00 when they remove her tubes and stuff...Mary Wesley's rehearsal dinner starts at 5:00. I wish I could be there...but at the same time, if things go south, I wouldn't want to see it. I'm feeling positive about things, though.

Work was good today. Didn't have any clients this morning, so I bleached out my hair. It's not where I want it to be, but it lifted a lot further than I expected it to. Once I bleach it again it'll be platinum. Right now, it's a strange gold-ash color. Not too pretty and against my better judgement, I'm thinking of lifting it for the last time tomorrow. Had a couple of clients who were really ecstatic about their hair today...made me feel good.

I've had the weirdest dreams lately. Dreams about snakes and a red-headed child getting killed by a defective carseat with a razorblade in it. Strange stuff.

Yesterday we went and ate dinner with Will, Stephanie, AJ, Amber, and Kashad at Mucho Mexico. I felt so out of it the entire time. I don't know...I feel like there's a pressure building on me. Something's about to happen. Something's about to happen. Something's about to happen. I'm glad Ricky and I have been mainly keeping to ourselves this past week. I think I'm about to lose it. It's all too much. Savannah, please hurry. Grandma, please hold on.

Tyler's in the hospital again, too. Her Chrome's disease has flared up again.

I'm on one.

I love the feeling of starting a new blog. This one's for me. Just me.

My grandma had a stroke last Sunday, so we've been making trips to WakeMed a lot. They will hopefully be moving her onto the floor after Thomas's birthday, so then we'll be able to visit during normal hours and she'll have a private room. She's still comatose, so we're hoping for the best. The best. It's relative, isn't it? What's best in this situation? She wakes up and we get to be selfish and have her for another couple of months until the cancer eats her organs away. Or she dies in a hospital bed without giving my granddad a chance to say goodbye. There is no hopeful scenario. It sucks.

I've never been able to express how much my family means to me. Not to their faces. I actually get that from my grandma...my mom and Chris are the same way. I can't truly remember ever telling my grandparents I love them...I don't stop by just to say hi...I can only remember hugging them on occasion. Several times, I've thought to send my grandma flowers, but I always forgot or thought it'd be weird. I'm awkward with the people I'm not super close to...I don't know how to form bonds with the ones who don't go out of their way to pull me out of my shell.

Ricky can always sense my need to escape. He told me to request off work the weekend of the 23rd, but wouldn't give me any more details. Yesterday, on our "dating" anniversary, he told me that we were going to Savannah, GA. He booked the same room in the same bed and breakfast we stayed in for our honeymoon. I'm beyond excited. I almost started packing this morning, I'm so pumped. I've also been looking into the salons in the historic district of Savannah. After all, we could always decide to stay.

Onto more shallow affairs. Ricky bought me a pair of black leather Jeffrey Campbell litas when he got his bonus check last month...I've worn them about every other day since. I've been saving some of my cash tips and now have more than enough to buy another pair, but of course, they sold out of the ones I want the day before I ordered. And I refuse to settle for anything but these tacky cats ones:


Sarah Emery from SeaSalt photography took a few pinup pictures of Nicki and me for her portfolio. Ever since our wedding photographer was such a disappointment, I've been holding onto the idea of taking fake engagement pictures of Ricky and me...but I didn't really know who to ask. But now that Ricky and I are trying for a baby, I want to do it more than ever. After all, I want cute pictures of us that I'll be able to show our kids one day. I think after the Savannah trip, I'm going to see if Sarah would be up for the job.